Welcome to Bill's Church!

I have decided to start a new church! I am sure you have been to some bad churches and you probably think mine will be more of the same. But "Bill's Church" (that is the actual name) will be different. My church will be based on honesty. And right up front, I will tell you that Bill's Church is here to meet the needs of me, the Senior Pastor, Bill Johnson.



I need validation. I need prestige. I need power. I need to be in the spotlight. I need to feel loved. I need money. And being the senior pastor of a mega church will fulfill all of those needs. But in order for me to get my needs met, I need a few thousand people to begin showing up on the weekend. That is where you come in.



Bill's Church wants to give you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the area's newest mega church. Being a "Founding Partner" gives you a level of influence and access that is rarely granted those who come later, unless of course, they are rich. As part of our grand opening, Bill's Church is offering several charter membership plans. We have five levels of membership so you can choose the one that most fits your level of commitment and your budget.



Level Five- The Christmas and Easter Plan

This is for the casual member who needs to be able to tell his Christian friends he has a church home without the annoying obligation to actually get involved. A minimal bi-annual contribution is required.

What's In It For You? (WIIFY?) You get to pretend to be part of a vibrant church. Of course, all additional services such as weddings and funerals require an additional payment. And they will have to be held off site.

What's In It For US? (WIIFU?) We get to add your name to our over-inflated membership roles. This gives the appearance that our church is much larger than it actually is. This gives us more influence with politicians and the media. Or should we say, this gives Bill more influence with politicians and the media. And of course, it helps when seeking a publishing deal for Bill's books.



Level Four- The Regular Attender, Minimal Involvement Plan

This is for the member who needs the routine of regular Sunday services without the aggravation of additional commitment.

WIIFY? This plan is ideal for married couples with troubled teenagers. You can just drop them off at youth group and hope that somehow the hip youth pastor can undo all of your bad parenting. Of course, Bill's church makes no guarantees of the effectiveness of our hip, but overworked youth pastor. You are not expected to tithe at this level.

WIIFU? You are however, expected to feel guilty about not tithing. A healthy level of guilt will cause you to at least give something on a regular basis. And your regular attendance is crucial in giving Bill's Church the community prestige and influence so necessary to soothe Bill's ego.



Level Three- The Worker Bee Plan

This plan is perfect if you desire to have no life outside Bill's Church. We will train you and deploy you in as many jobs as you can possibly fit into your schedule. Then we will pile on the guilt to get you to do one or two more. Opportunities are only limited by your selfish desire to be with your spouse or children. Of course, tithing is mandatory. And at this level, you should be willing to kick in additional offerings when the need arises.

WIIFY? You save money on entertainment and other time-consuming activities. For instance, you cannot possibly go to a movie on Friday night, because you are leading a small group at your house. You get the satisfaction of being a low-level leader in the city's coolest mega church. You get to rub elbows with the mid-level staff members and occasionally talk to the music director. People know your name. God is very appreciative and therefore, less likely to eternally burn you in Hell. We will do your funeral free of charge and your daughter can be married by an associate pastor, on-site of course.

WIIFU? This is the foundation of our financial structure! We get twelve to fifteen percent of your gross income and more free labor than a Chinese sweat shop. Once you get put into our worker bee data base, we will call you any time Bill's Church has an emergency. Whenever Bill comes up with one of his grand schemes, you will be invited to a banquet where you will be plied with a badly catered meal and a high quality PowerPoint presentation.



Level Two- The Underpaid, Overworked Staff Member Plan

If you want to get to know Bill and all of his character flaws, you just might want to consider becoming a full-time staff member. You will be in regular meetings with associate pastors willing to dish the dirt about the church's inner circle.

WIIFY? This is a powerful resume-building experience. Being a full-time staff member at a successful mega church could one day lead to an associate pastor position. As an underpaid staff member, you may actually get to be seen on the big stage a couple of times each year. And you get to boss around the worker bees!

WIIFU? Of course, it goes without saying that Bill's Church gets a rebate of at least ten percent on the meager salary we pay you. And you are expected to smile and inspire the worker bees and make them think that if they take on one more task, they might become a full-time staff member just like you.



Level One- The Failed Corporate Executive Power Trip Plan

Were you once a promising corporate executive at a Fortune 500 company? At Bill's Church, we do not care about your past failures or disappointing career. If you got a golden parachute of at least one million dollars, you are eligible for our most prestigious membership plan. After all, Bill's Church is a business. And we need input from failed corporate executives like you so our business will run with the efficiency of a major corporate bureaucracy. You can help us establish management levels and appropriate under-compensation. And you get to be in on all the decision making whenever Bill does not feel like overriding your vote.

WIIFY? Power! You get to hang with Bill and his inner circle, meeting regularly at Starbucks. Bill will mention you in at least one sermon every six months. This lets the staff and church members know that you matter. And what a testimony you will have. This plan gives you the opportunity to explain why you were fired from the corporation you had given your life to. IT WAS GOD'S WILL. God wanted to humble you and bring you to your knees so you could become part of Bill's Church. You get almost unlimited power to boss around the staff, including the ability to influence the music choices and even the volume level of the band. You are perceived as Bill's friend!

WIIFU? Money! We don't really care about your business background. After all, General Electric paid you seven figures to go away. But six of those figures buys you everything mentioned above. And stacking our board with guys like you helps us when we go to the bank looking for a twenty-million-dollar mortgage loan. Over time, you and the worker bees will be expected to pay back the loan. As part of the compensation committee, you will be expected to keep Bill's pay in line with other top executives. After all, if Bill chose another occupation, he would probably be a highly successful leader. (Of course, we all know that if Bill were not the senior pastor of Bill's Church, he would probably be managing a payday loan outlet in a bad part of town. But you keep this thought to yourself.)



So we invite you to take advantage of one of our inaugural membership plans. Sign up today to get in on the ground floor of this exciting opportunity. And remember the Bill's Church motto:



It's all about Jesus....and Bill.