The Overzealous Youth Pastor

Recently, I was forwarded an email from a very sincere and zealous youth pastor. It had been addressed to the kids in his youth group and was challenging them to "stop playing games" and to "become warriors" in the challenge of winning this generation to Christ. The subject line said, "It is time to stop being fake and to get real". The message was similar to something one might hear Paul Washer preach. (Washer is the young Southern Baptist preacher whose calling is to go around convincing teenagers they are not saved.)

There were several startling things in the email, but one in particular grabbed my attention. Apparently, at large youth meetings sponsored by the Church of God denomination, teens are being asked to come forward and pray for forgiveness for the ways their parents raised them. The implications in the email were obvious: If your parents are not on-fire for God, they are not good parents. And of course, they get to define "on-fire". And teenagers gravitate toward those who speak with authority. They have not yet lived long enough to see through facades.

The email brought back a lot of memories for me. I went to a church that had a large, and very strong youth group. We used to hold prayer meetings on Friday nights that lasted until midnight. Some people in the church became concerned that we were becoming too fanatical. So we moved the prayer meetings to a house. I remember some of those meetings. They were very intense. They were very much like the email. And I was one of those doing a lot of the talking.

Thirty years later, I look back on those times and wonder how my journey took me to my present place. I remember feeling all of the guilt because I talked a good game, but could not live up to the expectations. Normal teenage problems became magnified because we tended to spiritualize everything. For instance, one of my friends got drunk one night and called me. He was not at all worried about getting caught and punished by his parents. He was upset that he had angered God and was probably going to Hell.

In raising my kids, I tried to emphasize the importance of making good decisions and understanding that bad decisions have consequences. But I have never told my kids that making a bad decision pleases the devil and a good decision pleases God. The consequence of bad behavior IS the punishment. God is not hovering above you to add on additional "spiritual" chastisement.

The email contrasted joining a social club with being a soldier. The implication was that the social club was bad. But my experience tells me that the social club aspect of church youth groups is much more important than anything else a church offers. Kids need positive relationships. They need support. They need to laugh. They need friends. And teenagers are not ready to be soldiers anyway, whatever that means. There is enough pressure on teenagers without making them feel guilty about somehow letting God down.

I protected my kids vigorously from this kind of teaching. My mother asked me, and practically begged me for several years, to allow my kids to go to youth camps and winter festivals sponsored by the Church of God. She meant well, but I remember my own experiences and wanted to save my kids from the abuse. Of course, I am not talking about physical or sexual abuse. I am talking about the manipulation of a young mind. There is something very intimidating about a minister speaking with authority from a stage. I never allowed my kids to be exposed to the idea that they were going to Hell or were going to somehow be left behind when the rapture occurred.

So what do kids need? They need love, attention, security, and a stable home. Kids need a strong family. They need a good education. They need to be taught right from wrong. They need boundaries and rules. They sometimes need their parents to step in and forbid them from getting with the wrong crowd. Sometimes, they just need a soft spanking or fifteen minutes in the "time out" chair. They need activities that build their self confidence and character. And they need food. Lots of food!

But kids do not need to be enlisted as soldiers in a war that cannot be won. They should not be taught that taking drugs alienates them from God and the church. They need to be taught that taking drugs can ruin their bodies and minds. The motivation for sexual abstinence should not be that it somehow pleases God, but that abstinence is in THEIR best interest! Teenagers are selfish little beings. Knowing this little fact puts a parent at a huge advantage.

I am proud of my kids. One is a pre-med major in college and the other one is trying to become a fighter pilot in the air force. There have been some bumps along the road, including one little run-in with law enforcement and a few uncomfortable trips to the principal's office. But I would not change anything about my kids. And I would never allow them to feel guilty about their youth group being a social club.