I have decided to start a new church! I am sure you have been to some bad churches and you probably think mine will be more of the same. But "Bill's Church" (that is the actual name) will be different. My church will be based on honesty. And right up front, I will tell you that Bill's Church is here to meet the needs of me, the Senior Pastor, Bill Johnson.
I need validation. I need prestige. I need power. I need to be in the spotlight. I need to feel loved. I need money. And being the senior pastor of a mega church will fulfill all of those needs. But in order for me to get my needs met, I need a few thousand people to begin showing up on the weekend. That is where you come in.
Bill's Church wants to give you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the area's newest mega church. Being a "Founding Partner" gives you a level of influence and access that is rarely granted those who come later, unless of course, they are rich. As part of our grand opening, Bill's Church is offering several charter membership plans. We have five levels of membership so you can choose the one that most fits your level of commitment and your budget.
Level Five- The Christmas and Easter Plan
This is for the casual member who needs to be able to tell his Christian friends he has a church home without the annoying obligation to actually get involved. A minimal bi-annual contribution is required.
What's In It For You? (WIIFY?) You get to pretend to be part of a vibrant church. Of course, all additional services such as weddings and funerals require an additional payment. And they will have to be held off site.
What's In It For US? (WIIFU?) We get to add your name to our over-inflated membership roles. This gives the appearance that our church is much larger than it actually is. This gives us more influence with politicians and the media. Or should we say, this gives Bill more influence with politicians and the media. And of course, it helps when seeking a publishing deal for Bill's books.
Level Four- The Regular Attender, Minimal Involvement Plan
This is for the member who needs the routine of regular Sunday services without the aggravation of additional commitment.
WIIFY? This plan is ideal for married couples with troubled teenagers. You can just drop them off at youth group and hope that somehow the hip youth pastor can undo all of your bad parenting. Of course, Bill's church makes no guarantees of the effectiveness of our hip, but overworked youth pastor. You are not expected to tithe at this level.
WIIFU? You are however, expected to feel guilty about not tithing. A healthy level of guilt will cause you to at least give something on a regular basis. And your regular attendance is crucial in giving Bill's Church the community prestige and influence so necessary to soothe Bill's ego.
Level Three- The Worker Bee Plan
This plan is perfect if you desire to have no life outside Bill's Church. We will train you and deploy you in as many jobs as you can possibly fit into your schedule. Then we will pile on the guilt to get you to do one or two more. Opportunities are only limited by your selfish desire to be with your spouse or children. Of course, tithing is mandatory. And at this level, you should be willing to kick in additional offerings when the need arises.
WIIFY? You save money on entertainment and other time-consuming activities. For instance, you cannot possibly go to a movie on Friday night, because you are leading a small group at your house. You get the satisfaction of being a low-level leader in the city's coolest mega church. You get to rub elbows with the mid-level staff members and occasionally talk to the music director. People know your name. God is very appreciative and therefore, less likely to eternally burn you in Hell. We will do your funeral free of charge and your daughter can be married by an associate pastor, on-site of course.
WIIFU? This is the foundation of our financial structure! We get twelve to fifteen percent of your gross income and more free labor than a Chinese sweat shop. Once you get put into our worker bee data base, we will call you any time Bill's Church has an emergency. Whenever Bill comes up with one of his grand schemes, you will be invited to a banquet where you will be plied with a badly catered meal and a high quality PowerPoint presentation.
Level Two- The Underpaid, Overworked Staff Member Plan
If you want to get to know Bill and all of his character flaws, you just might want to consider becoming a full-time staff member. You will be in regular meetings with associate pastors willing to dish the dirt about the church's inner circle.
WIIFY? This is a powerful resume-building experience. Being a full-time staff member at a successful mega church could one day lead to an associate pastor position. As an underpaid staff member, you may actually get to be seen on the big stage a couple of times each year. And you get to boss around the worker bees!
WIIFU? Of course, it goes without saying that Bill's Church gets a rebate of at least ten percent on the meager salary we pay you. And you are expected to smile and inspire the worker bees and make them think that if they take on one more task, they might become a full-time staff member just like you.
Level One- The Failed Corporate Executive Power Trip Plan
Were you once a promising corporate executive at a Fortune 500 company? At Bill's Church, we do not care about your past failures or disappointing career. If you got a golden parachute of at least one million dollars, you are eligible for our most prestigious membership plan. After all, Bill's Church is a business. And we need input from failed corporate executives like you so our business will run with the efficiency of a major corporate bureaucracy. You can help us establish management levels and appropriate under-compensation. And you get to be in on all the decision making whenever Bill does not feel like overriding your vote.
WIIFY? Power! You get to hang with Bill and his inner circle, meeting regularly at Starbucks. Bill will mention you in at least one sermon every six months. This lets the staff and church members know that you matter. And what a testimony you will have. This plan gives you the opportunity to explain why you were fired from the corporation you had given your life to. IT WAS GOD'S WILL. God wanted to humble you and bring you to your knees so you could become part of Bill's Church. You get almost unlimited power to boss around the staff, including the ability to influence the music choices and even the volume level of the band. You are perceived as Bill's friend!
WIIFU? Money! We don't really care about your business background. After all, General Electric paid you seven figures to go away. But six of those figures buys you everything mentioned above. And stacking our board with guys like you helps us when we go to the bank looking for a twenty-million-dollar mortgage loan. Over time, you and the worker bees will be expected to pay back the loan. As part of the compensation committee, you will be expected to keep Bill's pay in line with other top executives. After all, if Bill chose another occupation, he would probably be a highly successful leader. (Of course, we all know that if Bill were not the senior pastor of Bill's Church, he would probably be managing a payday loan outlet in a bad part of town. But you keep this thought to yourself.)
So we invite you to take advantage of one of our inaugural membership plans. Sign up today to get in on the ground floor of this exciting opportunity. And remember the Bill's Church motto:
It's all about Jesus....and Bill.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
The Overzealous Youth Pastor
Recently, I was forwarded an email from a very sincere and zealous youth pastor. It had been addressed to the kids in his youth group and was challenging them to "stop playing games" and to "become warriors" in the challenge of winning this generation to Christ. The subject line said, "It is time to stop being fake and to get real". The message was similar to something one might hear Paul Washer preach. (Washer is the young Southern Baptist preacher whose calling is to go around convincing teenagers they are not saved.)
There were several startling things in the email, but one in particular grabbed my attention. Apparently, at large youth meetings sponsored by the Church of God denomination, teens are being asked to come forward and pray for forgiveness for the ways their parents raised them. The implications in the email were obvious: If your parents are not on-fire for God, they are not good parents. And of course, they get to define "on-fire". And teenagers gravitate toward those who speak with authority. They have not yet lived long enough to see through facades.
The email brought back a lot of memories for me. I went to a church that had a large, and very strong youth group. We used to hold prayer meetings on Friday nights that lasted until midnight. Some people in the church became concerned that we were becoming too fanatical. So we moved the prayer meetings to a house. I remember some of those meetings. They were very intense. They were very much like the email. And I was one of those doing a lot of the talking.
Thirty years later, I look back on those times and wonder how my journey took me to my present place. I remember feeling all of the guilt because I talked a good game, but could not live up to the expectations. Normal teenage problems became magnified because we tended to spiritualize everything. For instance, one of my friends got drunk one night and called me. He was not at all worried about getting caught and punished by his parents. He was upset that he had angered God and was probably going to Hell.
In raising my kids, I tried to emphasize the importance of making good decisions and understanding that bad decisions have consequences. But I have never told my kids that making a bad decision pleases the devil and a good decision pleases God. The consequence of bad behavior IS the punishment. God is not hovering above you to add on additional "spiritual" chastisement.
The email contrasted joining a social club with being a soldier. The implication was that the social club was bad. But my experience tells me that the social club aspect of church youth groups is much more important than anything else a church offers. Kids need positive relationships. They need support. They need to laugh. They need friends. And teenagers are not ready to be soldiers anyway, whatever that means. There is enough pressure on teenagers without making them feel guilty about somehow letting God down.
I protected my kids vigorously from this kind of teaching. My mother asked me, and practically begged me for several years, to allow my kids to go to youth camps and winter festivals sponsored by the Church of God. She meant well, but I remember my own experiences and wanted to save my kids from the abuse. Of course, I am not talking about physical or sexual abuse. I am talking about the manipulation of a young mind. There is something very intimidating about a minister speaking with authority from a stage. I never allowed my kids to be exposed to the idea that they were going to Hell or were going to somehow be left behind when the rapture occurred.
So what do kids need? They need love, attention, security, and a stable home. Kids need a strong family. They need a good education. They need to be taught right from wrong. They need boundaries and rules. They sometimes need their parents to step in and forbid them from getting with the wrong crowd. Sometimes, they just need a soft spanking or fifteen minutes in the "time out" chair. They need activities that build their self confidence and character. And they need food. Lots of food!
But kids do not need to be enlisted as soldiers in a war that cannot be won. They should not be taught that taking drugs alienates them from God and the church. They need to be taught that taking drugs can ruin their bodies and minds. The motivation for sexual abstinence should not be that it somehow pleases God, but that abstinence is in THEIR best interest! Teenagers are selfish little beings. Knowing this little fact puts a parent at a huge advantage.
I am proud of my kids. One is a pre-med major in college and the other one is trying to become a fighter pilot in the air force. There have been some bumps along the road, including one little run-in with law enforcement and a few uncomfortable trips to the principal's office. But I would not change anything about my kids. And I would never allow them to feel guilty about their youth group being a social club.
There were several startling things in the email, but one in particular grabbed my attention. Apparently, at large youth meetings sponsored by the Church of God denomination, teens are being asked to come forward and pray for forgiveness for the ways their parents raised them. The implications in the email were obvious: If your parents are not on-fire for God, they are not good parents. And of course, they get to define "on-fire". And teenagers gravitate toward those who speak with authority. They have not yet lived long enough to see through facades.
The email brought back a lot of memories for me. I went to a church that had a large, and very strong youth group. We used to hold prayer meetings on Friday nights that lasted until midnight. Some people in the church became concerned that we were becoming too fanatical. So we moved the prayer meetings to a house. I remember some of those meetings. They were very intense. They were very much like the email. And I was one of those doing a lot of the talking.
Thirty years later, I look back on those times and wonder how my journey took me to my present place. I remember feeling all of the guilt because I talked a good game, but could not live up to the expectations. Normal teenage problems became magnified because we tended to spiritualize everything. For instance, one of my friends got drunk one night and called me. He was not at all worried about getting caught and punished by his parents. He was upset that he had angered God and was probably going to Hell.
In raising my kids, I tried to emphasize the importance of making good decisions and understanding that bad decisions have consequences. But I have never told my kids that making a bad decision pleases the devil and a good decision pleases God. The consequence of bad behavior IS the punishment. God is not hovering above you to add on additional "spiritual" chastisement.
The email contrasted joining a social club with being a soldier. The implication was that the social club was bad. But my experience tells me that the social club aspect of church youth groups is much more important than anything else a church offers. Kids need positive relationships. They need support. They need to laugh. They need friends. And teenagers are not ready to be soldiers anyway, whatever that means. There is enough pressure on teenagers without making them feel guilty about somehow letting God down.
I protected my kids vigorously from this kind of teaching. My mother asked me, and practically begged me for several years, to allow my kids to go to youth camps and winter festivals sponsored by the Church of God. She meant well, but I remember my own experiences and wanted to save my kids from the abuse. Of course, I am not talking about physical or sexual abuse. I am talking about the manipulation of a young mind. There is something very intimidating about a minister speaking with authority from a stage. I never allowed my kids to be exposed to the idea that they were going to Hell or were going to somehow be left behind when the rapture occurred.
So what do kids need? They need love, attention, security, and a stable home. Kids need a strong family. They need a good education. They need to be taught right from wrong. They need boundaries and rules. They sometimes need their parents to step in and forbid them from getting with the wrong crowd. Sometimes, they just need a soft spanking or fifteen minutes in the "time out" chair. They need activities that build their self confidence and character. And they need food. Lots of food!
But kids do not need to be enlisted as soldiers in a war that cannot be won. They should not be taught that taking drugs alienates them from God and the church. They need to be taught that taking drugs can ruin their bodies and minds. The motivation for sexual abstinence should not be that it somehow pleases God, but that abstinence is in THEIR best interest! Teenagers are selfish little beings. Knowing this little fact puts a parent at a huge advantage.
I am proud of my kids. One is a pre-med major in college and the other one is trying to become a fighter pilot in the air force. There have been some bumps along the road, including one little run-in with law enforcement and a few uncomfortable trips to the principal's office. But I would not change anything about my kids. And I would never allow them to feel guilty about their youth group being a social club.
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