CBS Announces Survivor Tulsa

In an effort to bolster sagging ratings, CBS’ Survivor is currently assembling the greatest cast of megalomaniacs in history. American televangelists will compete in a prime time, no-holds-barred game of politics, backstabbing, alliance building, and manipulation. He that endureth to the end will be awarded with reality TV’s biggest prize ever. Since most of these people are already millionaires, the prize money has been raised to One Hundred Million Dollars! CBS is not worried. This show promises better ratings than the Super Bowl.

CBS is retiring the worn out theme of scantily clad contestants running around on a remote island. Instead, the contestants will wear Giorgio Armani suits and will compete in Christianity’s little island of insanity, Tulsa, Oklahoma. The game will remain the same, with players competing in teams and individual competitions with the winners being awarded “salvation” instead of the usual prize of immunity. Instead of being voted off the island, one minister will be “excommunicated” each week. Tribal Council has been replaced by the Nicene Council. Once each week, those without “salvation” have to defend themselves at the Nicene Council as not being a heretic. The players vote and the minister with the most votes is excommunicated.

The cast is the most famous Survivor cast ever assembled. It includes:

Kenneth and Gloria Copeland (I predict an alliance.)
Benny Hinn
Creflo and Taffi Dollar
Joyce Meyer
Mike Murdock
Richard Roberts
Randy and Paula White (Yes, we know they are divorced.)
Ernest Angely
Robert Tilton
Rod Parsley
Ted Haggard
Pat Robertson
Bishop Thomas Weeks and Juanita Bynum (Currently involved in nasty divorce.)
Jimmy Swaggart

In the opening show, contestants are bussed to the campus of Oral Roberts University and left with nothing but a bullhorn and a Bible. They have just four hours to develop a following of people willing to provide them with food, shelter, and tithe money. The minister invited to stay at the nicest house wins salvation for week one. You might think Richard Roberts has an advantage here, since he was the President of ORU until recently. But because everyone knows Richard personally, he is actually at a huge disadvantage. Las Vegas odds-makers have installed Richard as the early favorite to become the first one excommunicated. This may have something to do with the fact that Richard is a tool.

Some of the competitions will focus on the contestant’s weaknesses. In Week Two, the ministers will be asked to go to a local hospital and perform an actual healing that can be verified by impartial doctors. (The City of Faith Hospital does not count, seeing it is just a big, empty shell, serving as the ultimate symbol of what televangelists are really all about.)

Week Three shows the players at their best as the competition centers around raising money. An impartial crowd will gather in the Mabee Center at ORU. Each minister gets five minutes to make an appeal for money. They are allowed to promise anything in return to the givers. The evangelist with the largest offering wins salvation for the week.

Week Four promises to be the highest rated television show in history. The ministers are taken to the First Baptist Church of Tulsa where they must compete in a highly hostile environment. Each contestant much preach for one half hour without saying something considered heretical by the congregation. There is a great chance that no one will earn “salvation” this week and everyone will be eligible for excommunication.

Week Five promises to be an intellectual free-for-all. On the campus of Tulsa University, the contestants will compete before a panel of philosophy professors for the best example of circular reasoning. For instance, the minister might say, “I have the power to heal you. Therefore, if I pray for you and you remain sick, it must be your fault you did not get healed.” Every one of the contestants has mastered this skill so the competition will be fierce. Of course, any minister actually taking part of the blame for unfulfilled promises will be automatically disqualified.

Survivor producers plan some twists to the competition, including an appearance by the likable Survivor contestant Rupert Boneham and Season One winner, Richard Hatch. Rupert works as a mentor for troubled teens. Each contestant will try to justify himself by his works to Rupert. Rupert will award salvation to the minister who has done the most actual good works through his ministry. Richard Hatch, a homosexual, will be subjected to five minutes with each contestant as they attempt to win salvation by changing Richard’s sexual orientation. Should all the ministers fail, the likely scenario, a second competition will be held to see who can get Richard to “render unto Caesar” and pay his back-taxes.