CBS Announces Survivor Tulsa

In an effort to bolster sagging ratings, CBS’ Survivor is currently assembling the greatest cast of megalomaniacs in history. American televangelists will compete in a prime time, no-holds-barred game of politics, backstabbing, alliance building, and manipulation. He that endureth to the end will be awarded with reality TV’s biggest prize ever. Since most of these people are already millionaires, the prize money has been raised to One Hundred Million Dollars! CBS is not worried. This show promises better ratings than the Super Bowl.

CBS is retiring the worn out theme of scantily clad contestants running around on a remote island. Instead, the contestants will wear Giorgio Armani suits and will compete in Christianity’s little island of insanity, Tulsa, Oklahoma. The game will remain the same, with players competing in teams and individual competitions with the winners being awarded “salvation” instead of the usual prize of immunity. Instead of being voted off the island, one minister will be “excommunicated” each week. Tribal Council has been replaced by the Nicene Council. Once each week, those without “salvation” have to defend themselves at the Nicene Council as not being a heretic. The players vote and the minister with the most votes is excommunicated.

The cast is the most famous Survivor cast ever assembled. It includes:

Kenneth and Gloria Copeland (I predict an alliance.)
Benny Hinn
Creflo and Taffi Dollar
Joyce Meyer
Mike Murdock
Richard Roberts
Randy and Paula White (Yes, we know they are divorced.)
Ernest Angely
Robert Tilton
Rod Parsley
Ted Haggard
Pat Robertson
Bishop Thomas Weeks and Juanita Bynum (Currently involved in nasty divorce.)
Jimmy Swaggart

In the opening show, contestants are bussed to the campus of Oral Roberts University and left with nothing but a bullhorn and a Bible. They have just four hours to develop a following of people willing to provide them with food, shelter, and tithe money. The minister invited to stay at the nicest house wins salvation for week one. You might think Richard Roberts has an advantage here, since he was the President of ORU until recently. But because everyone knows Richard personally, he is actually at a huge disadvantage. Las Vegas odds-makers have installed Richard as the early favorite to become the first one excommunicated. This may have something to do with the fact that Richard is a tool.

Some of the competitions will focus on the contestant’s weaknesses. In Week Two, the ministers will be asked to go to a local hospital and perform an actual healing that can be verified by impartial doctors. (The City of Faith Hospital does not count, seeing it is just a big, empty shell, serving as the ultimate symbol of what televangelists are really all about.)

Week Three shows the players at their best as the competition centers around raising money. An impartial crowd will gather in the Mabee Center at ORU. Each minister gets five minutes to make an appeal for money. They are allowed to promise anything in return to the givers. The evangelist with the largest offering wins salvation for the week.

Week Four promises to be the highest rated television show in history. The ministers are taken to the First Baptist Church of Tulsa where they must compete in a highly hostile environment. Each contestant much preach for one half hour without saying something considered heretical by the congregation. There is a great chance that no one will earn “salvation” this week and everyone will be eligible for excommunication.

Week Five promises to be an intellectual free-for-all. On the campus of Tulsa University, the contestants will compete before a panel of philosophy professors for the best example of circular reasoning. For instance, the minister might say, “I have the power to heal you. Therefore, if I pray for you and you remain sick, it must be your fault you did not get healed.” Every one of the contestants has mastered this skill so the competition will be fierce. Of course, any minister actually taking part of the blame for unfulfilled promises will be automatically disqualified.

Survivor producers plan some twists to the competition, including an appearance by the likable Survivor contestant Rupert Boneham and Season One winner, Richard Hatch. Rupert works as a mentor for troubled teens. Each contestant will try to justify himself by his works to Rupert. Rupert will award salvation to the minister who has done the most actual good works through his ministry. Richard Hatch, a homosexual, will be subjected to five minutes with each contestant as they attempt to win salvation by changing Richard’s sexual orientation. Should all the ministers fail, the likely scenario, a second competition will be held to see who can get Richard to “render unto Caesar” and pay his back-taxes.

Televangelist Competition Begins Today!

I have a prediction. And unlike Pat Robertson, Kenneth Copeland, Benny Hinn, and others, if my prediction does not come true, I agree to never make an outrageous prediction again. In fact, if my prediction does not come true, I will agree to the punishment imposed upon REAL prophets. You may take me out and stone me to death!

I predict with 100% certainty that the next couple of months are going to see the most egregious and outrageous attempts EVER by the television ministers to separate viewers from their government rebate checks. Combined with tax refunds, April just might be the biggest influx of extra cash on hand in American history. And I would bet my life that most of the big ministries are having strategy sessions right now to come up with just the right gimmick to get that money.

We are going to catch them in the act. I am encouraging every reader to begin recording as many Charlatans as possible. The best gimmicks can be placed on YouTube and I will put links on the blog so everyone can watch. We will award winners in the following categories:

Best Subtle Plea (without actually mentioning the government rebate)
Best Blatant Plea (Benny is even money in early betting.)
Best Offer In Return of Healing, 100-Fold Return, etc. (Probably Copeland)
Best Fake Word from the Lord (You have to go with Pat Robertson here.)
Best “Miracle” Event Held in April (My money is on Rod Parsley)
Best New Project to Complete with Rebate Money (Paul and Jan are the early favorites.)
Best Appeal to the Stupid (Something like, “God told me that someone out there is getting unexpected money in the mail”. This appeal is for people who never watch the news.)
Best Appeal to the Elderly (This category has been owned by Robert Tilton for twenty years. Nobody gets little old ladies to send Social Security money better than Tilton.)

And the Ananias and Sapphira Grand Prize goes to the televangelist who makes such an outrageous statement that anyone with a brain can tell that he or she no longer believes in God. (Again, you have to go with Tilton as the front-runner here.) Remember that Ananias and Sapphira were struck dead for lying about money.

Of course, Creflo, Murdock, and Paula White are expected to come up with some great ideas and could pull off upsets. And everyone is going to be trying to get pledges early, before the competition heats up.

So set those recorders. Your kids can help you transfer the video and set you up on YouTube. It is free. And if you do this today, I promise you that you will be blessed beyond anything you could ask or think. But I could be wrong.

My New Worship Song, 1st Draft

Have you ever noticed that all Christian worship music only covers the warm and fuzzy aspects of Evangelical Christianity? They sing about love, grace, forgiveness, peace, joy, and eternal bliss in Heaven. But after someone “accepts Christ”, the church sends them to special classes to learn about the other stuff. So I decided to write a little song about all the stuff that never gets sung about. It needs some work, but this is the first draft. Feel free to send me ideas to improve it.

Verse 1:
You accepted Jesus as your saviour
For every bad thing you did up till now
But now you have to keep track of your misdeeds
And confess them, while your sins you disavow

Verse 2:
You may or may not make it into Heaven
You just might be forgiven by his grace
You may or may not need to do good works to make it in
But do lots of good stuff anyway, so you’re covered just in case

Chorus:
We need your tithes; We need your offerings
We need your talents, time, commitment, and support
And while you’re doing this, you need to pray without ceasing
And stay ready for the rapture; remember time is short
We need your tithes; We need your offerings
We need your talents, time, commitment, and your vote
And while you’re doing this, please place a sign in your yard
Election time is soon; there are Republicans to promote

Verse 3:
Do good to those who do bad things against you
You must love those who may not treat you well
Jesus said that we must love our enemies
While God gets to burn all his in Hell

Chorus:
We need your tithes; We need your offerings
We need your talents, time, commitment, and support
And while you’re doing this, you need to pray without ceasing
And stay ready for the rapture; remember time is short
We need your tithes; We need your offerings
We need your talents, time, commitment, and your vote
And while you’re doing this, please place a sign in your yard
Election time is soon; there are Republicans to promote

Welcome to Bill's Church!

I have decided to start a new church! I am sure you have been to some bad churches and you probably think mine will be more of the same. But "Bill's Church" (that is the actual name) will be different. My church will be based on honesty. And right up front, I will tell you that Bill's Church is here to meet the needs of me, the Senior Pastor, Bill Johnson.



I need validation. I need prestige. I need power. I need to be in the spotlight. I need to feel loved. I need money. And being the senior pastor of a mega church will fulfill all of those needs. But in order for me to get my needs met, I need a few thousand people to begin showing up on the weekend. That is where you come in.



Bill's Church wants to give you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the area's newest mega church. Being a "Founding Partner" gives you a level of influence and access that is rarely granted those who come later, unless of course, they are rich. As part of our grand opening, Bill's Church is offering several charter membership plans. We have five levels of membership so you can choose the one that most fits your level of commitment and your budget.



Level Five- The Christmas and Easter Plan

This is for the casual member who needs to be able to tell his Christian friends he has a church home without the annoying obligation to actually get involved. A minimal bi-annual contribution is required.

What's In It For You? (WIIFY?) You get to pretend to be part of a vibrant church. Of course, all additional services such as weddings and funerals require an additional payment. And they will have to be held off site.

What's In It For US? (WIIFU?) We get to add your name to our over-inflated membership roles. This gives the appearance that our church is much larger than it actually is. This gives us more influence with politicians and the media. Or should we say, this gives Bill more influence with politicians and the media. And of course, it helps when seeking a publishing deal for Bill's books.



Level Four- The Regular Attender, Minimal Involvement Plan

This is for the member who needs the routine of regular Sunday services without the aggravation of additional commitment.

WIIFY? This plan is ideal for married couples with troubled teenagers. You can just drop them off at youth group and hope that somehow the hip youth pastor can undo all of your bad parenting. Of course, Bill's church makes no guarantees of the effectiveness of our hip, but overworked youth pastor. You are not expected to tithe at this level.

WIIFU? You are however, expected to feel guilty about not tithing. A healthy level of guilt will cause you to at least give something on a regular basis. And your regular attendance is crucial in giving Bill's Church the community prestige and influence so necessary to soothe Bill's ego.



Level Three- The Worker Bee Plan

This plan is perfect if you desire to have no life outside Bill's Church. We will train you and deploy you in as many jobs as you can possibly fit into your schedule. Then we will pile on the guilt to get you to do one or two more. Opportunities are only limited by your selfish desire to be with your spouse or children. Of course, tithing is mandatory. And at this level, you should be willing to kick in additional offerings when the need arises.

WIIFY? You save money on entertainment and other time-consuming activities. For instance, you cannot possibly go to a movie on Friday night, because you are leading a small group at your house. You get the satisfaction of being a low-level leader in the city's coolest mega church. You get to rub elbows with the mid-level staff members and occasionally talk to the music director. People know your name. God is very appreciative and therefore, less likely to eternally burn you in Hell. We will do your funeral free of charge and your daughter can be married by an associate pastor, on-site of course.

WIIFU? This is the foundation of our financial structure! We get twelve to fifteen percent of your gross income and more free labor than a Chinese sweat shop. Once you get put into our worker bee data base, we will call you any time Bill's Church has an emergency. Whenever Bill comes up with one of his grand schemes, you will be invited to a banquet where you will be plied with a badly catered meal and a high quality PowerPoint presentation.



Level Two- The Underpaid, Overworked Staff Member Plan

If you want to get to know Bill and all of his character flaws, you just might want to consider becoming a full-time staff member. You will be in regular meetings with associate pastors willing to dish the dirt about the church's inner circle.

WIIFY? This is a powerful resume-building experience. Being a full-time staff member at a successful mega church could one day lead to an associate pastor position. As an underpaid staff member, you may actually get to be seen on the big stage a couple of times each year. And you get to boss around the worker bees!

WIIFU? Of course, it goes without saying that Bill's Church gets a rebate of at least ten percent on the meager salary we pay you. And you are expected to smile and inspire the worker bees and make them think that if they take on one more task, they might become a full-time staff member just like you.



Level One- The Failed Corporate Executive Power Trip Plan

Were you once a promising corporate executive at a Fortune 500 company? At Bill's Church, we do not care about your past failures or disappointing career. If you got a golden parachute of at least one million dollars, you are eligible for our most prestigious membership plan. After all, Bill's Church is a business. And we need input from failed corporate executives like you so our business will run with the efficiency of a major corporate bureaucracy. You can help us establish management levels and appropriate under-compensation. And you get to be in on all the decision making whenever Bill does not feel like overriding your vote.

WIIFY? Power! You get to hang with Bill and his inner circle, meeting regularly at Starbucks. Bill will mention you in at least one sermon every six months. This lets the staff and church members know that you matter. And what a testimony you will have. This plan gives you the opportunity to explain why you were fired from the corporation you had given your life to. IT WAS GOD'S WILL. God wanted to humble you and bring you to your knees so you could become part of Bill's Church. You get almost unlimited power to boss around the staff, including the ability to influence the music choices and even the volume level of the band. You are perceived as Bill's friend!

WIIFU? Money! We don't really care about your business background. After all, General Electric paid you seven figures to go away. But six of those figures buys you everything mentioned above. And stacking our board with guys like you helps us when we go to the bank looking for a twenty-million-dollar mortgage loan. Over time, you and the worker bees will be expected to pay back the loan. As part of the compensation committee, you will be expected to keep Bill's pay in line with other top executives. After all, if Bill chose another occupation, he would probably be a highly successful leader. (Of course, we all know that if Bill were not the senior pastor of Bill's Church, he would probably be managing a payday loan outlet in a bad part of town. But you keep this thought to yourself.)



So we invite you to take advantage of one of our inaugural membership plans. Sign up today to get in on the ground floor of this exciting opportunity. And remember the Bill's Church motto:



It's all about Jesus....and Bill.