Welcome to Bill's Church!

I have decided to start a new church! I am sure you have been to some bad churches and you probably think mine will be more of the same. But "Bill's Church" (that is the actual name) will be different. My church will be based on honesty. And right up front, I will tell you that Bill's Church is here to meet the needs of me, the Senior Pastor, Bill Johnson.



I need validation. I need prestige. I need power. I need to be in the spotlight. I need to feel loved. I need money. And being the senior pastor of a mega church will fulfill all of those needs. But in order for me to get my needs met, I need a few thousand people to begin showing up on the weekend. That is where you come in.



Bill's Church wants to give you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the area's newest mega church. Being a "Founding Partner" gives you a level of influence and access that is rarely granted those who come later, unless of course, they are rich. As part of our grand opening, Bill's Church is offering several charter membership plans. We have five levels of membership so you can choose the one that most fits your level of commitment and your budget.



Level Five- The Christmas and Easter Plan

This is for the casual member who needs to be able to tell his Christian friends he has a church home without the annoying obligation to actually get involved. A minimal bi-annual contribution is required.

What's In It For You? (WIIFY?) You get to pretend to be part of a vibrant church. Of course, all additional services such as weddings and funerals require an additional payment. And they will have to be held off site.

What's In It For US? (WIIFU?) We get to add your name to our over-inflated membership roles. This gives the appearance that our church is much larger than it actually is. This gives us more influence with politicians and the media. Or should we say, this gives Bill more influence with politicians and the media. And of course, it helps when seeking a publishing deal for Bill's books.



Level Four- The Regular Attender, Minimal Involvement Plan

This is for the member who needs the routine of regular Sunday services without the aggravation of additional commitment.

WIIFY? This plan is ideal for married couples with troubled teenagers. You can just drop them off at youth group and hope that somehow the hip youth pastor can undo all of your bad parenting. Of course, Bill's church makes no guarantees of the effectiveness of our hip, but overworked youth pastor. You are not expected to tithe at this level.

WIIFU? You are however, expected to feel guilty about not tithing. A healthy level of guilt will cause you to at least give something on a regular basis. And your regular attendance is crucial in giving Bill's Church the community prestige and influence so necessary to soothe Bill's ego.



Level Three- The Worker Bee Plan

This plan is perfect if you desire to have no life outside Bill's Church. We will train you and deploy you in as many jobs as you can possibly fit into your schedule. Then we will pile on the guilt to get you to do one or two more. Opportunities are only limited by your selfish desire to be with your spouse or children. Of course, tithing is mandatory. And at this level, you should be willing to kick in additional offerings when the need arises.

WIIFY? You save money on entertainment and other time-consuming activities. For instance, you cannot possibly go to a movie on Friday night, because you are leading a small group at your house. You get the satisfaction of being a low-level leader in the city's coolest mega church. You get to rub elbows with the mid-level staff members and occasionally talk to the music director. People know your name. God is very appreciative and therefore, less likely to eternally burn you in Hell. We will do your funeral free of charge and your daughter can be married by an associate pastor, on-site of course.

WIIFU? This is the foundation of our financial structure! We get twelve to fifteen percent of your gross income and more free labor than a Chinese sweat shop. Once you get put into our worker bee data base, we will call you any time Bill's Church has an emergency. Whenever Bill comes up with one of his grand schemes, you will be invited to a banquet where you will be plied with a badly catered meal and a high quality PowerPoint presentation.



Level Two- The Underpaid, Overworked Staff Member Plan

If you want to get to know Bill and all of his character flaws, you just might want to consider becoming a full-time staff member. You will be in regular meetings with associate pastors willing to dish the dirt about the church's inner circle.

WIIFY? This is a powerful resume-building experience. Being a full-time staff member at a successful mega church could one day lead to an associate pastor position. As an underpaid staff member, you may actually get to be seen on the big stage a couple of times each year. And you get to boss around the worker bees!

WIIFU? Of course, it goes without saying that Bill's Church gets a rebate of at least ten percent on the meager salary we pay you. And you are expected to smile and inspire the worker bees and make them think that if they take on one more task, they might become a full-time staff member just like you.



Level One- The Failed Corporate Executive Power Trip Plan

Were you once a promising corporate executive at a Fortune 500 company? At Bill's Church, we do not care about your past failures or disappointing career. If you got a golden parachute of at least one million dollars, you are eligible for our most prestigious membership plan. After all, Bill's Church is a business. And we need input from failed corporate executives like you so our business will run with the efficiency of a major corporate bureaucracy. You can help us establish management levels and appropriate under-compensation. And you get to be in on all the decision making whenever Bill does not feel like overriding your vote.

WIIFY? Power! You get to hang with Bill and his inner circle, meeting regularly at Starbucks. Bill will mention you in at least one sermon every six months. This lets the staff and church members know that you matter. And what a testimony you will have. This plan gives you the opportunity to explain why you were fired from the corporation you had given your life to. IT WAS GOD'S WILL. God wanted to humble you and bring you to your knees so you could become part of Bill's Church. You get almost unlimited power to boss around the staff, including the ability to influence the music choices and even the volume level of the band. You are perceived as Bill's friend!

WIIFU? Money! We don't really care about your business background. After all, General Electric paid you seven figures to go away. But six of those figures buys you everything mentioned above. And stacking our board with guys like you helps us when we go to the bank looking for a twenty-million-dollar mortgage loan. Over time, you and the worker bees will be expected to pay back the loan. As part of the compensation committee, you will be expected to keep Bill's pay in line with other top executives. After all, if Bill chose another occupation, he would probably be a highly successful leader. (Of course, we all know that if Bill were not the senior pastor of Bill's Church, he would probably be managing a payday loan outlet in a bad part of town. But you keep this thought to yourself.)



So we invite you to take advantage of one of our inaugural membership plans. Sign up today to get in on the ground floor of this exciting opportunity. And remember the Bill's Church motto:



It's all about Jesus....and Bill.

The Overzealous Youth Pastor

Recently, I was forwarded an email from a very sincere and zealous youth pastor. It had been addressed to the kids in his youth group and was challenging them to "stop playing games" and to "become warriors" in the challenge of winning this generation to Christ. The subject line said, "It is time to stop being fake and to get real". The message was similar to something one might hear Paul Washer preach. (Washer is the young Southern Baptist preacher whose calling is to go around convincing teenagers they are not saved.)

There were several startling things in the email, but one in particular grabbed my attention. Apparently, at large youth meetings sponsored by the Church of God denomination, teens are being asked to come forward and pray for forgiveness for the ways their parents raised them. The implications in the email were obvious: If your parents are not on-fire for God, they are not good parents. And of course, they get to define "on-fire". And teenagers gravitate toward those who speak with authority. They have not yet lived long enough to see through facades.

The email brought back a lot of memories for me. I went to a church that had a large, and very strong youth group. We used to hold prayer meetings on Friday nights that lasted until midnight. Some people in the church became concerned that we were becoming too fanatical. So we moved the prayer meetings to a house. I remember some of those meetings. They were very intense. They were very much like the email. And I was one of those doing a lot of the talking.

Thirty years later, I look back on those times and wonder how my journey took me to my present place. I remember feeling all of the guilt because I talked a good game, but could not live up to the expectations. Normal teenage problems became magnified because we tended to spiritualize everything. For instance, one of my friends got drunk one night and called me. He was not at all worried about getting caught and punished by his parents. He was upset that he had angered God and was probably going to Hell.

In raising my kids, I tried to emphasize the importance of making good decisions and understanding that bad decisions have consequences. But I have never told my kids that making a bad decision pleases the devil and a good decision pleases God. The consequence of bad behavior IS the punishment. God is not hovering above you to add on additional "spiritual" chastisement.

The email contrasted joining a social club with being a soldier. The implication was that the social club was bad. But my experience tells me that the social club aspect of church youth groups is much more important than anything else a church offers. Kids need positive relationships. They need support. They need to laugh. They need friends. And teenagers are not ready to be soldiers anyway, whatever that means. There is enough pressure on teenagers without making them feel guilty about somehow letting God down.

I protected my kids vigorously from this kind of teaching. My mother asked me, and practically begged me for several years, to allow my kids to go to youth camps and winter festivals sponsored by the Church of God. She meant well, but I remember my own experiences and wanted to save my kids from the abuse. Of course, I am not talking about physical or sexual abuse. I am talking about the manipulation of a young mind. There is something very intimidating about a minister speaking with authority from a stage. I never allowed my kids to be exposed to the idea that they were going to Hell or were going to somehow be left behind when the rapture occurred.

So what do kids need? They need love, attention, security, and a stable home. Kids need a strong family. They need a good education. They need to be taught right from wrong. They need boundaries and rules. They sometimes need their parents to step in and forbid them from getting with the wrong crowd. Sometimes, they just need a soft spanking or fifteen minutes in the "time out" chair. They need activities that build their self confidence and character. And they need food. Lots of food!

But kids do not need to be enlisted as soldiers in a war that cannot be won. They should not be taught that taking drugs alienates them from God and the church. They need to be taught that taking drugs can ruin their bodies and minds. The motivation for sexual abstinence should not be that it somehow pleases God, but that abstinence is in THEIR best interest! Teenagers are selfish little beings. Knowing this little fact puts a parent at a huge advantage.

I am proud of my kids. One is a pre-med major in college and the other one is trying to become a fighter pilot in the air force. There have been some bumps along the road, including one little run-in with law enforcement and a few uncomfortable trips to the principal's office. But I would not change anything about my kids. And I would never allow them to feel guilty about their youth group being a social club.

A Few Words on Hell

I once was asked to sing a few songs at the funeral of a man I did not know. Apparently, he was not a believer. The pastor of the little church got up and preached for twenty minutes about how this man was in hell and probably screaming as the fire tortured him. I will never forget the agony of that funeral. There was no hope given. Several people walked out. Those who remained were groaning and crying uncontrollably. I was asked to play soft music on the piano as the preacher, a manipulative jerk, tried to get the family to come to the alter and get saved. I felt terrible, having played a part in this tragedy. That day was one of the pivotal points in my journey out of classic Pentecostalism.

I have lost all interest in debating the subject of hell with my evangelical friends. This used to be one of my favorite subjects. But at some point, I just realized that anyone who does not at least question the evangelical version of hell is not being intellectually honest. And they are ignoring obvious logical and theological inconsistencies. So why waste the energy.

I believe that the evangelical concept of hell is a creation of third century Catholicism and was significantly enhanced by people like Dante and Jonathan Edwards. The dark, eternal abyss, burning with fire and brimstone, that tortures, but does not consume its victims is a hideous myth perpetrated by the Catholic Church to keep the masses in line. And it is time for evangelicals to come, kicking and screaming, into the twenty-first century. I find it funny that evangelicals pride themselves on having thrown off all Catholic tradition. But this most Catholic of all traditions is held onto so tightly. I think they feel the need to manipulate their congregations with this craziness.

First, let me address how I think we got here. Bible translators, especially those creating the Latin Vulgate translation, combined several separate and distinct concepts into one. The words Hades, Gehenna, Sheol, and Tartarus were all translated as one word, the English Hell. These words mean different things and are sometimes translated into totally different words, where the context could not possibly mean hell. But by combining all these words into one, we created the concept of hell that is still taught in most evangelical churches and denominations. For an excellent breakdown of all this information, I suggest clicking on the link above titled, "What the Hell is Hell?". The chart of words translated "hell" is an eye-opener if you will examine it with an open mind.

Let's examine the obvious question. All evangelical denominations have in their statements of faith a belief in an eternal hell without the possibility of annihilation or liberation. Yet no one preaches it anymore. Why? I think it is because those who have examined this doctrine do not believe it anymore. Yet the one thing evangelicals fear over all else is being called a heretic. So they go along with the crowd, never actually preaching on hell, but never denying the horrendous implications of its existence. The most obvious implication is that God comes off looking worse than Hitler or Stalin.

Let's examine the eternal aspect of hell for a moment. This comes from a sad misinterpretation of Mark 9:43-50. First, it says that the fire is eternal and is not quenched. It does not say that a man lives on in a state of eternal punishment in the fire. Second, and most importantly, Jesus is speaking of Gehenna, or the Valley of Hinon, where a continuous fire burned and served as Jerusalem's garbage pit. Those he was speaking to understood the word Gehenna as that physical place near Jerusalem.

And most importantly, Christians need to examine their adoration of a God who would create the world from nothing and come up with a system whereby most of humanity ends up in unspeakable horror and torture for millions of years. I think even the hardest of humans would give Hitler a break after a period of watching him suffer in the fire. The evangelical god comes off looking like the crazed husband who tells his wife that he loves her so much he will have to kill her if she rejects him. I wholeheartedly and absolutely reject such a concept of god. I would not worship such a god.

And if evangelicals are going to take Mark 9 literally, they absolutely must teach their people to literally cut off body parts and pluck out their eyes to avoid ending up in hell. I know of a man who emasculated himself after taking these verses literally. A few weeks later, he committed suicide. There is no Christian pastor anywhere who teaches this literally.

Then there is the inconsistency of physical torture of a spiritual body. The physical body is able to feel pain. But the physical body dies. So we are to believe that God miraculously provides the unrighteous dead with an eternal body that is able to feel burning pain without being consumed. Once again, we have to reject this brutal, sadistic god.

Then there is the inconvenient fact that Judaism has no tradition of hell like Christianity. Are we to believe that God revealed his plan to Moses and the prophets and left out this most important of facts about the afterlife?

I have spent hundreds of hours studying this subject. I challenge all Christians to do the same. Read Jonathan Edwards horrendous sermon titled "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God". Read what he said about "reprobate infants" being held over the flames of God's wrath. It paints God in the most hideous light any Calvinist could ever dream up. The sermon can be found here:

http://www.ccel.org/ccel/edwards/sermons.sinners.html

Read Dante's Inferno. I believe Edwards and Dante had much more influence on our concept of hell than anything the Bible ever said about it. This is a doctrine that must be purged from Christianity. It is wrong. It is sadistic. And it is giving God an undeserved bad reputation.

Empowering Islamic Women

The most glaring example of media bias can be seen in the lack of attention given to abuses of women in the Islamic world. There are literally thousands of horrible examples every year. With the exception of the Internet, these stories are rarely heard. I wonder why. With all the mainstream media outlets heavily staffed by educated and liberated women, why do these abuses go unreported. Except for terrorism, the abuse of Muslim women is the number one reason to strongly oppose Islam at every turn.

Last week, we finally heard the story of the Saudi woman who was kidnapped and brutally raped by seven men. She was given 200 lashes for going out in public unaccompanied by a male family member! The only reason this story made it to the western press was that there were appeals to high courts in Saudi Arabia and even some Muslim men became outraged. (On a side note, I find it strange that it takes this level of abuse to outrage a few Muslim men, but cartoons in a Danish newspaper can turn the whole Islamic world into a riotous mob.)

The fact is that women in the Muslim world are completely subject to their fathers and later, their husbands. They have no self-determination at all. Their husbands are permitted to beat them into submission. They are not allowed to leave their homes without male supervision. They have no part in the political process. In short, they are treated much like women were treated 1,000 years ago.

Theo Van Gogh, a Dutch film maker, produced a documentary film entitled, "Submission". It chronicled the abuses of Muslim women in Europe. Even in the most liberal part of the world, these women were subjected to brutality and lifelong incarceration by their husbands. For exposing this, Van Gogh was brutally executed on a busy street by a Muslim man. A letter was attached to his body predicting chaos in America, Europe, and Holland.

And Muslim men carry these attitudes toward women with them to the United States. My wife had a business deal with a Muslim man a couple of years ago. He refused to shake her hand and would barely speak directly to her. He was offended that, in order to complete the deal, he had to treat a woman as his equal.

A few of the more modern Islamic countries allow women a basic education and the best and brightest are allowed to pursue higher education at university. But for the most part, women are property. They have no opportunity to choose a career or, in many cases, to choose their own husband. And women who speak out or push for reform are not simply shouted down or prohibited from speaking. They are frequently murdered.

Halima Ahmed Hussein al-Juburi was a proponent of women's rights in Iraq. Ten men broke into her home and shot her in front of her three children. This is just one of many examples of women murdered for simply pushing for mild reforms in Islamic law and custom.

If George Bush and future presidents want to have an impact on the Islamic world, they would be best served to support the rights of women and their inclusion in the political process. (Not that kingdoms and brutal dictatorships have much of a political process) And Bush's family is quite friendly with the Saudi Royal Family, one of the worst of the offenders. Surely he has some influence with these tyrants.

Women balance men. They encourage talking when men only think about fighting. Something tells me that women could have a profound influence in the Israel-Palestine conflict. For fifty years, Israel has been making concessions to the Palestinians, hoping for peace. But the Palestinians have yet to make one genuine gesture or keep one peace treaty. Why? Israeli women are an influential part of the political process. Palestinian women are not. Enough said.

If you doubt the extent of the problem, please click on the link above entitled "Muslim Questions and Answers". It is a web site created by Muslim theologians to answer questions on Islamic law for Muslims. Just peruse a few rulings on women.

The End of the World?

I grew up believing the end of the world was imminent. We were taught that Jesus was about to return at any moment to catch away faithful believers. This was to be followed by a seven year period of great tribulation where in order to be saved, one would most likely have to give his life.

This doctrine was preached with such fervency and with such authority that anyone who questioned it was simply regarded as foolish. I did not question it. And our denomination strongly taught a bizarre mixture of salvation by grace heavily mixed with works. So while we all acted like we knew we were saved, most of us kids had periods where we just knew we were not. For me, this resulted in a lot of turmoil and despair.

One of my first childhood memories happened in the Sears store at the Tri-County Mall. I was about six years old. I got separated from my mother while she was shopping in the racks of dresses. Suddenly, it occurred to me that she had been raptured and I had been left behind. I began crying and desperately ran through the store hoping against hope that my mother was still there. When I found her, I did not run to her and hug her. I did not want her to know that I was worried about being left behind. Over the years, this scenario played out several more times. I remember calling people on the phone who I knew would be raptured, just to make sure they were still on earth.

To the uninitiated, this seems truly ludicrous, even abusive. But it remains a foundational doctrine for most Pentecostals, Charismatics, and Baptists. The Left Behind book series is one of the top selling series of all time. Christians encourage their children and young teenagers to read these fictional accounts based on what the authors consider Biblical predictions of the future.

Men like John Hagee and Hal Lindsay wield powerful influence among conservative politicians in promoting support for Israel based on this doctrine. I consider myself a supporter of Israel but this support has nothing to do with Biblical prophecy. Israel is a bright light of democracy and women's rights in the dark world of Islam. Israel certainly has its problems, but it is far superior to the kingdoms and dictatorships prevalent in the region.

On the Glenn Beck show, Hagee recently said that we have less than twenty years until all this comes about. In the seventies and eighties, they were telling us we had less time than that. Hal Lindsay wrote a ridiculous book entitled, "The 1980's- Countdown to Armageddon". Why do gullible Christians still buy his books and listen to his wacko theories. (Isn't he on wife number four? That usually disqualifies one for ministry in Baptist and Pentecostal denominations.)

I think that "end times" teaching does irreparable harm to young people who grow up with this madness. There is no reason to apply themselves in education or to save money. The rapture teachers have been wrong since 1948 and they are getting more bold and more dogmatic with their claims.

I have many friends and family who strongly hold these beliefs. My intent is not to belittle them or to cause them to lose faith. My hope is that Christians begin to realize the harm this teaching brings to young people. Little kids should NEVER be exposed to the thought that their mother might be taken from them, leaving them alone during a period of hell on earth. And teenagers need to have this doctrine tempered with encouragement to live their lives as if they were actually going to get to live their lives. (That sounds crazy doesn't it?)

Life is too short to waste a moment of it worrying about the end of the world. I think most religions, but especially Islam and Christianity, are too preoccupied with afterlife to appreciate the awesome wonder of the time we have now. If this post has upset you or peaked your curiosity, I suggest you go to the Tentmaker link above and check out the studies available on the words translated "world" in the modern Bibles. It might give you some comfort.

Unto him be glory in the Church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, WORLD WITHOUT END. Amen. (Ephesians 3:21)

Appraising the Brewski

I know nothing about wine. Several years ago, we were dining at a fine restaurant with a couple of friends. Leo ordered a glass of expensive wine. When it came, he took a sip and politely informed the waiter that this was not the wine he ordered. He guessed it was from the same winery but was from a different year. To my utter amazement, the owner of the restaurant came out and apologized. He gave Leo a complimentary bottle of the wine he ordered and said that someone had opened a bottle from the previous year by mistake. Needless to say, I was impressed.

But when it comes to fine beer, I am somewhat of an expert. I do not drink Budweiser or Strohs. After all, Leo does not drink Boones Farm! But I do try to find good brews and recommend them to friends. And three of my favorites are brewed right here in America, and two of them are from Ohio. I like nearly everything that the Sam Adams people produce, but the Boston Lager is my favorite. It is my favorite beer that you can get anywhere. But my top two beers in the world are not available everywhere.

The Great Lakes Brewing Company, in Cleveland, makes an ale that is to die for. It is called Burning River, named after the infamous incident where the Cuyahoga River caught fire. (Yes, a river caught fire. And this was when Dennis Kucinich was mayor!) I appreciate their willingness to laugh at themselves. And I also appreciate the assertive, citrusy hops flavor. This stuff absolutely rocks! And just a side note: How did Dennis Kucinich get such a hot wife. There is no possible rational explanation for that. But people say that about me too, I guess.

Anyway, my top brew anywhere in the world is brewed right here in Cincinnati. It is made by a young entrepreneur named Mike Dewey and his wife Kathleen. I met them when doing a consulting job because Clermont County was trying to take some of their land by eminent domain. I wrote a scathing report and Mike's lawyer skillfully used it to stop the proceeding. At that time, they were making beer in their basement. But things have progressed over the last few years. They own the Mount Carmel Brewing Company and their Copper Ale is my absolute favorite.

I was pleasantly surprised when the Cincinnati Reds began to sell the Mount Carmel Copper Ale at Great American Ballpark. This brew makes sitting through Reds games tolerable, even in the late innings when no lead is safe. Dewey has created one heck of a robust ale. This is why God created hops! It is only available in growlers and kegs. But you are in for a treat if you make the effort to acquire a Mount Carmel Copper Ale.

Bottoms up!

Rounding Third....

Joe Nuxhall passed away last night. And upon hearing the news, a bit of me passed away too. Joe had been broadcasting Reds games since 1968, when I was seven years old. I remember listening to Dodgers games late at night with my earpiece in the transistor radio. I remember the long pauses, the folksy humor, and the genuine love for the game of baseball.

Joe was from Hamilton, but lived in my hometown of Fairfield when I was growing up. It was always exciting to run into him around town. He owned one of the first batting cages in the area, at Joyce Park in Fairfield. I got to work there a little bit collecting balls. Joe was Hamilton's greatest ambassador and one of the few people in the world that everyone seemed to genuinely like.

In 1996, my band was in Lakeland, Florida, to do a concert right next to the Tigers Spring Training field. After our sound check, we wanted to go see the Reds play the Tigers but we did not have a lot of extra money. So I told the guys I could get us in free of charge. We drove the tour bus over to the front gate. At this point, I really had no plan.

We were supposed to play a concert after a Reds game later in the summer. So I walked up the gate and asked to speak to the ticket manager. I said, "We are Frazier River and we are supposed to do a promo for a concert with Marty and Joe up in the Reds booth. The guy believed me and just opened up the gate and let us inside. But then, he asked one of the ushers to escort us up to the Reds broadcast booth.

Chuck Adair, our guitar player, said, "Greg, I think you are supposed to do that promo by yourself." I was hung out to dry. The usher escorted the band to some good seats down by the Reds dugout. The band was all laughing because they knew I was in trouble. The usher took me up several flights of stairs toward Marty and Joe. I was sweating bullets.

Dave "The Yid Man" Armbruster was outside the Reds booth. I introduced myself as Greg Amburgy from The Frazier River Band. To my utter shock and amazement, Dave said, "That is great. We are doing a promo for your concert during the next inning. Could you go in and do it live with Marty and Joe?" I simply said, "That's what I'm here for."

They took me into the broadcast booth and introduced me to Marty and Joe. I was standing behind them. The guys in the band could see me from their seats. I held up two fists in the air as if to say, "No guts, no glory". I got to stay in there for two innings just talking about the band and growing up a Reds fan in Fairfield. My mother in law, who was very sick at the time, heard me on the air and could not believe it. She was a die-hard Reds fan her whole life. She could not believe she was hearing get-well wishes from Marty and Joe on WLW.

It was one of the most fun hours of my entire life. Joe was so gracious and unassuming. A few months ago, I got to hear Joe and Thom Brennamann call one last game. I sat at my desk and soaked it all in, thinking that I may not get to hear Joe do this very many more times. It turned out to be the last game I heard Joe call.

Joe Nuxhall will be missed by those who knew him well and those of us that only had a few brushes with him. He was Reds baseball. He was Hamilton. He will always be the Old Left Hander, Rounding Third and Heading for Home. God bless Joe.

Low Maintenance Friends

I am lazy. I don't mind working hard in my company. But after work is done, I like life to be easy and carefree. My relationship with my wife can best be described as "easy". We don't just love each other. We like each other. We enjoy being together. We rarely fight. I still get excited when she comes home. I think it is that way for her. In our twenty years together, we have had rough spots. We even went to counseling. But we worked out the problems and living together returned to being easy. I would not want to be in a marriage that required constant work. Life is too short.

I feel the same way about friendships. Deb and I have been blessed with some awesome friends. We have friends that would do anything for us. And we would do anything for them. But the best part of the friendship is that we rarely have to do anything for each other. We are low-maintenance friends. Our friends understand boundaries. They never get offended. They love us just the way we are. It is easy hanging out with them. We never feel a need to try to get them to like us. They like us and we like them. It's easy.

We frequently go on vacation with a couple of our low-maintenance friends. Some of our best times have been spent with them. We have a deep, loving bond with them. I cannot think of a scenario where we will not be friends until we die.

Lately, I have been especially thankful for my friends. Many people go through life never having relationships as rich as those I enjoy. As we get older, our friendships begin to provide support and security that we once felt from our parents. One of the reasons my life is so good is because of my awesome friends. They make me laugh. They give good advice. They share some of my best memories.

I have been blessed with two low-maintenance kids and a low-maintenance dog. But today, I am very happy to have some low-maintenance friends. I hope they feel the same way.

(Tom and Renee, two of our best friends, are pictured above with Sarah at her graduation.)

Grassley Inquiry

My heart leapt upon hearing that the Senate was looking into violations of IRS rules by prominent televangelists. My Libertarian voice whispered a note of caution about government intrusion into religion. But my former evangelical voice, now freed from the tyranny of guilt-based manipulation, shouted a Pentecostal-style Hallelujah! Grassley is looking into the finances of Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland, and Paula White, among others.

To understand my point of view, you must know a bit of my personal history. Twenty-five years ago, I was the pianist for Nancy Harmon. Nancy had a regular television show on TBN. (That's me pictured above on the TBN set around 1982.) I played and sang on TBN and PTL and accompanied many of the top Christian artists during the 1980's. I have nothing bad to say about Nancy Harmon. She was sincere, honest, and a genuinely caring person. And she is one heck of a Hammond Organist! But one of Nancy's best friends was the ultra-smarmy Mike Murdock. Being in Nancy's band, I was exposed to toxic levels of this swindler. My only disappointment with the Grassley Investigation is that Murdock was left off the list. Steve Brock, one of Benny Hinn's regular singers, used to be my pastor. I traveled around with him as a teenager, playing in revivals and camp meetings. One of my relatives was on Kenneth Copeland's board of directors for many years.

Senator Grassley is looking into the lavish lifestyles of these "ministers", financed by tax-exempt contributions. The "ministry" typically owns everything one needs to live the life of a multi-millionaire: beachfront homes, Texas ranches, Manhattan condos, private jets, and other trappings. The "ministry" pays for the maintenance and upkeep while the "minister" is the sole user of these things. All this is done tax-free! The board of directors rubber stamps all expenditures and the "minister" gets to live like a king. Technically, they do not own the homes and jets. But they have absolute control and usage of these things.

The aptly named Creflo Dollar, one of those under investigation, made the most outrageous statement I have heard from the accused so far. He questioned whether the investigation could "affect the privacy of every community church in America". The answer is a resounding no! The tax exempt status of churches was created to encourage support for community churches. It was not intended to create multi-millionaires!

Last year, I was shocked to hear how much money a local pastor brings in from a tax-exempt "ministry". The new mega-churches are beginning to resemble large, corporate bureaucracies where the CEO (pastor) is paid exorbitantly and the rest of the staff is expected to live on rice and beans. And the congregations are expected to give more than ten percent of their gross income. Many of these leaders consider their organizations far more important than the people who comprise them. It is because the organization allows the pastor to live like the CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

It is time for this to stop. Benny Hinn is a fraud. Kenneth Copeland preaches the Amway-gospel, where those at the top get all the money. Creflo Dollar promises the poor they will become rich by sowing financial seeds in his ministry. And Paula White? "God can heal YOUR marriage, just not mine."

My hope is that the Grassley Investigation leads to reform. These laws were passed before television and radio created superstar pastors. We need laws that allow open investigation into a tax-exempt organization's finances. Then the guilt, shame, and manipulation these groups use to collect money can be turned in their direction. Glasnost, or openness, helped bring down the Soviet Union. We could use a bit of it in the church.